changing my world

            When I change my perspective the world around me changes and adjusts.  Amazing.  Here is how it works.

            During a recent introduction to NVC - nonviolent or compassionate communication - we were supposed to recall a recent incident that irked us, and look at it from two perspectives, our own, and then the one from the other person.  I recalled my daughter's recent phone call from school in the middle of the morning that she didn't feel well and needed to be picked up.

            I noticed that I felt annoyed, irritated, and resentful for being interrupted during work - my needs were for space and independence.  However, once I turned the perspective around and understood that she felt miserable, hurting, and anxious, and that she needed affection, compassion, and nurturing, all I wanted to do was come to her rescue and comfort her.

            It took my own inner shift, not coercion, not anybody else's action or change in attitude, to want to help her.  Amazing.

 

a better world

            It seems that many things in this world are currently a mess - the environment in general, the way we treat each other, social issues, climate change and erratic weather patterns, our medical paradigm and quandary, our food supply, our politics - oh my!

            But I truly believe that there is a better world under all this chaos.  We just need to create it, envision it, imagine it.  How do you do that?  You have to imagine it, then you have to live it - that's what Gandhi said. 

            There is indeed a lot of beauty already on this planet; there are a lot of wonderful, kind, compassionate people on this earth; the healthy food movement is growing stronger every day and we have all the inspirational models already out there; climate science shows what we need to do; we know that we want people to thrive, feel safe and secure, have easy access to good medical care, and easy access to good education; there are better ways of communication than judging, belittling, condemning, surmising, and berating. 

            Instead of condemning and fighting and criticizing what you don't want, just put yourself on the side you prefer - every day - with your words, your dollars, your thoughts and beliefs, and your world will change for the better. 

it's not about you!

             When you become annoyed at your friend for saying something not so nice about your outfit, it's not about you, it's about her.  You obviously liked your outfit when you got dressed this morning.  But your friend has different taste and likes different styles, or colors, or outfits.  When she reacted to your outfit it had to do with her ideas, her taste, her likes - not you.  We get it all wrong when we believe others criticize us for us.

            You have no control over many of the things that happen to you during the course of the day, whether it's people's comments, their demands, or unexpected events.  What we do have complete control over (at least in theory until we get used to this new way of thinking) is our emotions and feelings, our own reactions to our interactions with life. 

            So, you became miffed at your friend.  Well, who knows why she said what she said.  But you'll never know until you make an effort to find out and dig deeper.  You might consider saying something like "Sounds like you don't like my dress."  And your friend might completely surprise you by replying "Oh, I've always hated the color red," or "That dress reminds me of something my mother used to wear, and it brought back a lot of negative memories."  You never know where someone else's comments are coming from until you tune in and actually ask.  Then there is true connection and you'll find out that it was about her all along - not you.

a real conversation

            Recently I had agreed to participate in a web based fishbowl discussion via Zoom, a technology for webinars and video conferencing, that would permit both, the handful of participants as well as the listeners, to tune in from all over the world.  For that same day a community conversation at our library had been announced.  But I stuck with the former since I had committed to it - and ended up regretting it.        

            The web based Zoom technology made the discussion extremely cumbersome and stilted - you had to lift an electronic arm if you wanted to say something, you couldn't see the audience, nor the facilitators and discussion partners, only the one person that spoke at any given time.  The facilitators, two to lead the conversation, one on the tech side to monitor the text messages that came in from the audience, were the ones in the cockpit who managed the many interactions.  I came out of the discussion with a thick foggy head and the regret to have missed the "real," the face-to-face, conversation with my own community - real people, in a setting where I could have seen the whole room, everyone's expressions, where there would have been room for spontaneity, a conversation with people who are my neighbors, who make up my community, not someone from halfway across the world.

            Face-to-face really is best.  See also a previous post by that name.

 

ok to admit

            Why do people have such a hard time admitting they've made a mistake?  We are all humans, we all make mistakes, we regret many of them later.   But, geez, say so.  I won't think less of you, on the contrary.

            I find it especially important in my role as a parent to acknowledge a mistake and apologize for it - yes, to my child.  Otherwise I am modeling behavior I don't want to see perpetuated.   We have this underlying belief that we are perceived as weak when we say "I was wrong,"  "I made a mistake,"  "I'm sorry," or"I wished I'd never done this." I build up a huffing and puffing resistance and fight response to a lame "wasn't me" or "I would never have done this;"  when, on the other hand, someone says right away "oops, so sorry, my mistake," that feeling implodes and my reaction softens immediately.

            How cool would it be if a politician or CEO honestly said "I made the wrong decision at the time, but I understand the issue better now and take full responsibility, and I promise to correct the situation."  Wouldn't you appreciate the humanness in that person?   I guess this behavior all starts with you and me, though.

 

why live deeply

       Living deeply is about creating a meaningful life.  It's about putting the quality back into life by creating win-win scenarios.  This requires a shift in values, away from "profit above all," quantification, and our usual win-lose scenarios, to a value-based culture that is cooperative, sustainable, compassionate, and transparent.  It's about creating a good-for-all, not just a good-for-some, culture.       

      Any reason not to want this?

 

good humor

             You probably know that laughing is good for your health and wellbeing.  I love good, gentle humor - especially the kind that is self-deprecating because it's not done at someone else's expense.  Dressing someone down in order to elevate yourself - look at that garish dress, haha - creates a win-lose situation.  When you humor yourself on the other hand - oh, dear, hopefully stepping into that dog pile will bring me a whole bunch of good luck - nobody else gets emotionally hurt because you pointed out the irony in something you yourself did - then everyone can laugh freely and without guilt.  It's a win-win.

            Because I'm a bit serious by nature I have always admired people who can humor themselves, who don't take themselves too seriously.  But as I'm maturing I'm getting a little better at it, more easily in writing, when I have some time to think about what to say, although I will never be a stand-up comic. 

            Self-deprecating humor doesn't offend anyone but the humorist, so it's safe and harmless.  I heard someone say that it only works well if you're confident already.  Then it can be put to good use - as a speaker to loosen up an audience, as a teacher to lighten the classroom atmosphere, as a boss in a meeting.  Self-deprecation makes us human and approachable.  How is your sense of humor?

the glue of relationships

              Profit and trust are difficult to reconcile.  It's easy to lose trust when money enters the picture, especially in the business world.  When profit, our highest cultural value, reigns over trust or compassion or mutual benefit it undermines a relationship.  But trust is the glue of all good relationships.  When we lose trust in someone because they value their company's or their own financial benefit over a cooperative and open relationship we tend to tread backwards, withhold from ourselves, and close up. Business relationships often display a certain level of distrust or cautiousness because a business's ultimate goal by definition revolves around profit.  

            However, once we become aware of the tie-in between money and trust, it's possible to work for the mutual benefit of both parties by consciously working towards a win-win situation, a scenarios that benefits both parties or partners.  Trust is the ultimate glue of any relationship.  Build trust and you create a bond.